baby is my buoy.

tonight liam is extra smiley and cute.

when he grins up at me with his round little face i can't stop thinking

"i wish mom was here to see him make his baby jamey face"

i think she's the only person under the sun that would get that.

see it.

i miss her.

that's such an understatement.

but damn, do i.

ironically, only liam keeps me from sinking in this realization.

i quit. i give up. L's napping in my arms for now. beats no nap at all.

L's napping in my arms going forward, for now. beats no nap at all... this officially makes me a couch potato, and L a happier baby. he will grow out of this someday, possibly literally. so i've resigned myself to cherish it now. he does sleep on his own at night (knock on wood please!), this is a blessing. i am grateful. that is all.

well, almost all... with christmas around the corner, expect insanely christmasy outfit posts in upcoming days. thank you very much to the rigels for giving L this FUN "my first christmas" toy collection. so thoughtful!

oh oh oh! back to the napping thing. i wanted to add that i tried to put him in his crib earlier today when he was groggy, post feeding. that ended in that adorable wrinkled up sad face and cry explosion in mere seconds. he wanted no part of napping in his swing yesterday, i tried for 30 minutes to make that happen. he CAN fall asleep in the sling, but man does that get HEAVY. the german fears this will eventually injure my back. such is life...

calm after the storm

At this very moment I am standing outside under a tree with liam in his sling swaying back and forth. Im squeezing his little hand and singing to him occasionally. I turn in a super slow circle to change up his view. You see, its hot out and so boring in. He has cried a ton today and I don't have my usual energy to entertain him. Since I've been out here swaying and spinning he hasn't protested. Life is ever so strange.

the game changer

know me and you know sitting down is not my thing. i like to be on the go go go. dear little L however, has had me sitting on my bum, arms/hands full on end, FOR MONTHS. this has brought me to the point of literally crying & having pity parties daily... along came a piece of fabric with a little padding and a couple rings on it. i can stand up!, use at least one hand, EASILY. i adore my union jack snugli, i do, but getting in and out of it isn't nearly as effortless. thus, the sling has been a life saver and, a game changer. i feel ALMOST like me with it. L can become a part of my endless need to walk up and down stairs, in and out the front door, from living room to family room, around our block, again and again, etc. etc. and forever.

and he seems to dig it. in fact, he sometimes passes out while i do it.

thank you, over the shoulder baby holder.

thank you la leche league for loaning it to me this month to try out!

there are quite a few ways babies can be carried in this thing, it came with an instructional DVD.

find yourself in a similar stir-crazy bind? GET A FREAKING SLING.

post-walk-passed-out baby.

moody little punk

outfit post: moody little punk

someone is kinda cranky today.

& a drizzly monday calls for a little joy division anyway...
joy division onesie from smokinchix. (thank you, allison!)

plaid newsboy cap by gymboree. (thank you, aunt laura!)

argyle socks are baby gap.

and yeah, because i'm on the verge...

naive newbie meltdown

the conversation below, occurring on facebook is so fundamental to being a parent of a baby. and especially, a 1st time parent. a naive newbie.

i am on the verge of a breakdown at least once a week. i wonder if the cry it out, schedule your baby parents are too? i can't be a cry it out schedule your baby parent, at least not yet, because -I MYSELF- can't adhere to a strict schedule and i would never let ANYONE cry it out. i don't judge those of you that do this, i just can't.

if a friend or family member or even a stranger was bawling their eyes out hard, on end, right in front of me, i would not COULD NOT just let it happen. instinctually i would have to hug and comfort them. now... how the HECK could i not do the same for the child i carried for 41 weeks, painfully gave birth to, and fell hardcore in love with the day we "met"?

whether it's good for the baby in the long run or not, i can't do it.

right now, L is asleep in his swing, he has been for like an hour. this is not a constant thing i can count on. it happens probably three times a week out of all seven days.

when it does happen i have no bloody idea how long said nap will last so i run around like a crazy person tackling this and that.

i'm thinking "what should i try to tackle 1st?" as previously blogged, i realize this is drink, eat, pee. ;-) but after that? i'm thinking "nothing too loud". i'm thinking what can be left to fall apart longer? i'm thinking man, oh man i just want to write/type with two hands right now!!!!! which is exactly what i'm doing. i'm 100% right brained, that's the creative side right? and with that fact comes very little practicality.

i am also doing alllllllllllllll of this on my own from day one, no mom to advise or provide hands on help. i have received a plethora of advice, from veteran friends, books, magazine articles. i have even had dear dear friends stop by or stay over when the german was out of town for weeks at a time. but guess what? -and NO OFFENSE- ALL of you conflict. some of you advise with your heart while others advise with your head.

i hear both of you, and i try to take something from both of you. but in the end, that creates one big CLUSTER EFF in my already whirling exausted right-brained mind. i do just have to wonder, if mommies & daddies that condition their young babies lose their mind on a regular basis too?

i am so blessed to have a beautiful, healthy mostly good baby boy. i am beyond lucky to be a SAHM (stay at home mom). i look into L's amazing eyes daily and feel my heart smile so big, get so warm, throb with love. do NOT get me wrong, i would never ever trade this experience, but holy HELL is it hard to navigate. dear confused & naive newbies to come, i will be here for you to vent to when you find yourself in my very shoes. below a "conversation" on facebook that exhibits this conflicted state i find myself in. name has been changed to protect the innocent. ;-)

(p.s. if i do resort to cry it out one day, address me about that if you so wish. i am perfectly capable of flipflopping some day. who the heck knows?)

- ENVISION A PHOTO OF VERY YOUNG BABY CRYING HARD -

• 

  Sarah Beth Christoph does this ever end?

  3 hours ago · · 1
• 
  

  john doe-

  hahaha! Our first baby screamed all night, every night for the first two weeks. The first two nights neither one of us got a lick of sleep. She would cry and we'd try everything under the sun. Finally, my mom suggested we let her "cry it out" for about 10 minutes and see what happens. Right at 10 minutes she tuckered out and fell asleep. We died laughing. She had to cry for a good 10-20 before ever falling asleep. Of course other times she cried for an hour or two and we had to tend to that.

  33 minutes ago ·
• 
  

  john doe-

  Oops wasn't finished...if your little one is fussing a lot, you will eventually figure out what works. We finally forced a routine with each one and that actually made the babies happy. A little counterintuitive. It helped us know what cry was for what need. All I know is that kids don't really behave like that when they are, say, 14, so it WILL stop. :) I saw someone had mentioned a book, "On becoming babywise." Someone else mentioned you would hate it. I agree you might hate it, because you are a free spirit and the book comes across as "baby lockdown." But it is worth reading to kind of see what a schedule might look like. You can be a little less militant than the book prescribes and tailor it to suit your own instincts. That's what we did and found it helpful. Good thing is that your love for that little guy will far outweight the many frustrations you encounter early on. I am starting to freak myself out with my Dr. Phil talk. Time to go.

  25 minutes ago ·
• 

  Sarah Beth Christoph appreciate the thoughtful reply. truly. sooo many have been successful w/ such an approach... lucky ducks! this baby does not abide by that sort of conditioning. more than once he's melted down nonstop for a 45 minute stretch w/ no lulls and no sign of relenting. and i get it, he's determined and expressive. ;-) i've concluded that he's one of those high needs/high alert babies. and find dr sears' approach more up my alley. so perhaps i'm shooting myself in the foot. who knows, but a 10 minute cry then zzz is not my kid, no way. he's pretty good to me at night tho. 5, 6, 7 & even 8 hour stretches of sleep since 2 weeks. but, inconsistent. again tho, can't really blame him. it's nature AND nurture. this makes a great blog post and correlates w/ a lot i've been reading as of late, thanks! ;-)

this is what story time with a 3 1/2 month old looks like

part of why i started reading to L was out of desperation admittedly. raising baby has much to do with entertaining baby. especially a baby that doesn't nap for great lengths of time by day. especially a baby that expresses boredom with great passion (read: cries loud & clear with no signs of stopping until his needs are met).

the more i read to L though, the more -i- enjoy it & perhaps, the more he does as well. signs i might be right?... he sits in my lap for decent stretches of time as i read, he looks at the pages more often than not, he flails his arms from time to time & gurgles/babbles at others. i do stop reading when he starts to get too fussy. but, kids, this is only after reading at least four books.

i get into character often, losing myself in the moment, hoping he notices and enjoys story time all the more. i realize each day, more & more how unbelievably fun reading to a child, heck AN INFANT! can be.

and loveys, it's insanely beneficial. read more about that here.

L is checking out his mobile in this photo. damn, he loves that mobile. he eventually refocussed. ;-)
no joke, this book is awesome if you let yourself feeeeel it. read it with rhythm & you'll find yourself longing for the dance floor, baby in tow. i swear.