when i'm not blogging here... i could be blogging here.

in the meantime, liam just went on his 1st vacay, was a mini one to orlando, but a trip nonetheless. he did fabulously and acquired this little eeyore while there. note: this boy seems to like being out and about more than he likes being home. although today he's being mostly an angel baby. SUCH LOVE.

the good the bad & the ugly.

admittedly i just put a fresh diaper on L & an outfit fresh out of the dryer (at which time i got spit up on, hot wet paper towel to the rescue), plopped him in his car seat & ran out the door in hopes that i'd get a repeat of yesterday's car ride induced 3-hour nap. i also selfishly hoped to both EAT AND DRINK something myself since i did spend the ENTIRE MORNING feeding L.

once safely in the car & rolling, i watched L dose off slowly much to my and truly his own delight (this boy has a hard time falling asleep, no idea where he got that from). but then i hit a red light and a rogue sun ray shined in at the exact same time.

EFF.

whimpers.

then, yes! miraculously, eyes fluttered close again.

at the next red light, L remained asleep & i whipped out my tweezers for a 30 second eyebrow touch up. so needed. and starbucks was in sight. all the more needed.

through the drive-thru L kept ZZZing. hallelujah.

dare i try to fly through a taco bell drive thru too? would slowing to a stop again = my demise?

two bean burrito supremes later & L still in dreamland i felt victorious. but still decided to wolf down BOTH burritos in the 2-minute drive to my house just in case.

smart me.

i managed to get in the door, pee and fetch a glass of agua before the adorable little monster woke up with a fiery cry.

EFF again.

which finds me back on the couch, feeding L once more, pausing here & there to change his beautiful green poopy diapers.

oh & today he's not even happy whilst eating (he "boxes" both me and himself to demonstrate this) probably because he's exhausted. one of those instances i wish he was more like the german—able to sleep anytime anywhere. cannot wait to get a good night sleep tonight. HA. YEAH RIGHT.

p.s. this entire post was typed with my left pointer finger. YAY.

things i've learned as of late

(which explain why i'm blogging very little)

veteran mommies of wee little newborns are laughing at me as they read this, i am certain.

*going to the loo is a luxury AND must be scheduled.

*dash into the shower the SECOND you wake up or RIGHT before you hit the sack.

*i can eat a bowl of cheerios in a minute & a half.

*i can wear less of my closet now that i'm breastfeeding than i could while pregnant #grrr.

*i'm extremely, painfully envious of kathie lee & hoda, i want their job in a fierce way.

*i can fall asleep as early as 10PM, especially if baby L has gone down for "the night" by then, take advantage of the head start on sleep.

*swaddled babies fall back asleep faster and more soundly post middle of the night feeding than un-swaddled babies.

*a newborn is a much much tougher boss than any boss i've ever had. volatile, demanding, never satisfied, screams at you A LOT, makes you redo things over and over and over (i JUST changed that diaper two minutes ago!), etc. etc. etc.

*there is NO love like baby love. no comprehension of it until the moment it floods you and it changes EVERYTHING instantly.

*there is no comfort like being cuddled by a recently fed, recently changed, warm little newborn.

*take notes, as close to daily as you can, on little details about your baby you observe, love, learn, get frustrated by but will one day find funny. i tend to do this with one hand, while i'm holding him, on my computer in one document i keep adding to. i know these details will be precious to me forever.

*you CANNOT take too many photos OR videos.

this very barely scratches the surface, I KNOW. i could go on. and on... but baby L demands! thought i'd share this little photo with you from his bath yesterday morning. isn't he #LOVE?

GRATEFUL

It's September.

Life tossed a lot at me in August 2011.

It took all I had in me to avoid a straight jacket and/or a mental ward. Both bitter & sweet being torn between giving birth & getting acquainted with my precious all-consuming first child, Liam and losing my precious and irreplaceable mother to the horror that is ALS. Sadly, losing her has put so much else on the back burner. Nevertheless, Baby L has brought light and

life to darkness and death for me. And he did the same for my dear mother in the 10 short days she had with Liam before leaving us. I thought I would share with you the piece I had read at her memorial service last Saturday. And a couple photos of her with Liam that I will cherish forever. As I go forward, I will borrow from the loving way she raised both me and my brother (see his tribute to her here) as I raise her grandson. Love you forever, mom.

It's impossibly hard to capture our mom, Connie Christoph in a brief statement. As much as I adore and thrive on words, they fail me when it comes to truly filling all of you in on how absolutely vibrant and beautiful she was as a mother. How when others talk about the things they'd do differently from their moms when raising their own children, I draw a blank, because there's not a single thing that comes to mind. She raised us just right. She really did. Which is why her leaving us is an especially crushing blow. What do children do, even grown ones, without the person that shaped and encouraged them so naturally and awesomely.

Small little details that come to mind... Every single Christmas our dear mom made sure we had three special things beneath the Christmas tree: A sweater for warmth. New PJs for sweet dreams. And a book for continued learning. Even though she was a school teacher herself, she understood the importance of letting us take what she called "Mental health days" off school from time to time. When I couldn't sleep, yes, even as a child I was an insomniac, mom would tell me the most vivid, imaginative tales of a pair of sweet little beings she conjured up, called Candy kiss & Lollipop. I recall tales of their adventures and cool imagery like talking rainbow-colored fish and glittery waterfalls all serving to calm a worried child. She inspired in both of us, a desire to experience new things, from trying an exotic ethnic dish we'd never had before to not being afraid to venture off to a place we'd never been. She encouraged us both to find ourself through embracing the world. And to express ourselves freely and fully.

Mom taught us from a very very early age not to tell lies. She told me that Jesus lived in my heart and he would know when I did fib. When I grew up she loved telling me how I would ask her how he didn't get all wet when I drank water since he lived inside me. Being truthful made saying goodbye to her extremely difficult. It was impossible for me to honestly say "It's OK for you to go now mom". Because it wasn't. Living without my sunshiney mom is an unbearable thought. I did manage to say I wanted her to rest, to be free of the torturous set backs caused by ALS and medical procedures gone terribly wrong.

Nevertheless, despite ALL that she was plagued with, she fought, harder than my brother Jamey and I realized she had in her, and our already massive respect for her managed to grow and grow in her final couple months. She was, and I say this not to boast, or lessen the value and amazingness of any other mother on the planet, but seriously she was the very best mother there ever was. Not just to Jamey and I, but to my husband, Tim and to the countless children she taught. Always always instilling gently, great values. Always teaching selfless love. It was a total honor for Jamey and I to share her endless motherly love and nurturing with the elementary school aged community. And it sustained her.

I mention her incredible fight this past summer with a vast mix of love and sorrow. Mom mustered up all the will, all the strength, all the unfathomable courage that she did with one very special goal in mind. To meet my first child and her first grandchild. And she achieved that. Against a lot of odds. Amidst unfair trials. And somehow, I do believe, alert little baby Liam sensed that, for her stared at her with awe when he first "met" her via Skype the day after he was born. He was calmed by her when placed in her arms, or upon her propped up legs. He cooed when he was held up to her face for kisses.

It saddens me way too much to think of Liam not getting to know my amazing mother for himself. But I find a bittersweet peace in the fact that he will also never have to experience the crushing pain of losing what we all know would have been the very best grandmother in the world too. Everyone that knew and loved mom will make sure Liam and any other potential grandchildren will know so much about the incredibly special woman their own mommy called mom.

i'm baby L.

my mom's new boss.

and i'm keeping her mad busy.

she doesn't mind terribly.

she says she has NEVER fallen so fast or so hard for anyone in her life.

she is totally utterly in #LOVE.

and know what? i love her too.

we have such special times staring into each other's eyes.

she'll be back soon letting you know all sorts of details.

i just wanted to let you know i'm here.

i was born

August 5th, 2011.

I weighed 6 pounds, 11 ounces.

I was 20 1/2 long.

and i rule.

this is it.

your last look at the bump.

i'm not posting ANY more "baby inside" photos.

next photo i pray to post here will be of L on the outside.

and yet, i'm bloody terrified of what that entails.

liam, be nice to me. life's been madness as of late.

world, wish me luck, that 1. he comes SOON and 2. i survive it!

those of you that have had babies already, and have this massively huge experience behind you, i envy you.

my mind WON'T stop reeling. cannot WAIT to be on the other side. eeeeeeeeek.

(photo taken 8/2/11)

letters for liam

as i wait for baby L to freaking get here,

i find my idle hands finding small little things to do with him in mind.

i'm starting with his name and will eventually make him the whole alphabet in plush felt.

then what? toss them about his room to play with as he grows & learns.