just being honest. the emotional havoc that is my chemical/hormonal make-up right now is so intensely destructive. i have always considered myself very HOT and COLD. HIGH and LOW. but as of late, the low can sink below sea level, below hell, flat out LOW. things GET to me in such a heavy way. things creep into my mind that are detrimental. every. little. thing. every. single. one. of. you. does gets to me, hard. i take it all so insanely personally. and my passionate feelings for certain things has reached a dangerous level.
that on top of feeling thick. bloody hell. this too shall pass, right?
blue is for boy right? even with little rosettes at the neckline? thoughts? HA. yeah, i've just landed another little girly get-up for L. that'll be two ensembles shipping back to haute look provided L is a Liam... could. NOT. resist this little ella moss tunic & leggings set in my fave fave fave hue. weird thing is, it's going to get here days after i know. what is this little outfit's fate...? stay tuned...
TWO. MORE. DAYS.
addendum: sadly this ella moss ensemble will not be shipping to me. it's truly not appropriate for little Liam. ;-)
fact is, when pool/beach time rolls around (ha, like this weekend), i'm not sure i'm going to want flaunt the bump. not sure how i feel about that yet. need back up. am taking this alternate universe one day at a time. ;-) stay tuned...
oh & THREE MORE DAYS 'til the big L reveal. cross your fingers. tight. thanks.
EPIPHANY so whilst chatting at leisure with my fave coworker on the planet something massive dawned on me. when monday rolls around & i'm on the table with that jelly gunk on my stomach checking out L & likely discovering if L's a ♂ or a ♀ i'm going to be A-OK either way. seriously. i can see myself happily raising a boy OR a girl right now. but this is the thing. if Lis a boy, then when the next time rolls around, i'm going to be a freaking stress ball in the lead-up to finding out that little monster's sex. in that case, it MUST be a girl. or... i'll have to try again?? and again?? i know a lot of my friends have had back to back boys. and they adore their boys. and i would too of course, but i can't imagine life without a little girl of my very own. that's truth. so... that's likely why despite being fine either way this coming monday, it WILL play a roll in my future sanity. i cannot STAND not getting what i want. i do realize though, that a woman in a house full of boys never has to stop spoiling herself fashion wise, right? boys don't require the wardrobe girls do. so i suppose that's one hell of a silver lining. ;-)
No Rhyme. No Reason. should you ever find yourself in my situation for the very 1st time (just like me) know this. you can read all the books and websites you want. and they can tell you that you're going to feel this, notice this, experience that, but truth is, you, lucky you! are a totally unique individual& can likely throw out the bloody window A LOT of what they say. i breezed through the 1st trimester like a rockstar. in fact, it was so easy i doubted i was even pregnant the entire time. was told i'd be sooooooo tired. was warned about morning sickness etc. but wasn't afflicted with either. 2nd semester rolls around and i am feeling GROSS. not glowy and sexy and amazing like all the magazines say. GROSS. 1st semester was a cake walk in comparison. don't get me wrong, i'm not entirely miserable but i just want to point out that for me personally, 2nd semester isn't so lovely. isn't the honeymoon phase. so shove it, books, sites & mags.
and those of you around me, it would be in your best interest to not tell me how i should be feeling right now according to what you've read. you're not me. you have no idea. love you.
i am little miss regular no longer. i joked the other night that i could eat an old piece of meat off the street in India and refrain from the expected explosion most would experience shortly thereafter. on the contrary, i can have like three sips of water & be in the most dire need of a WC. last night for example, i hit the loo FOUR times between midnight and 7AM. that is RIDICULOUSLY annoying. guess who's grouchy today as a result. look out. each day i find i can wear less and less of my wardrobe. thank GOD i'm a fashion hoarder & can rummage around a bit & eventually find something that 1. still fits and 2. doesn't make me hate myself too much. I'M VAIN. i know this now. i'm throwing it all out there on the table, OK? this is doing a number on my psyche. thank the LORD forHue.The tights brand that has developed jean leggings and cargo leggings with comfort flat elastic waistbands (that don't cost more than $40). thus far i've stocked up on 3 pairs. only -I- know how very lame they look at the waist. i got mine at nordstrom. but they're available online if you click on "Hue" above. am wearing them to the left.
anyway, the thing that's driving me the absolute most nutsabout this whole adventure is my how crazy/ fragile/volatile/emotional/quick to anger/intolerant/sad/lonely/grouchy/moody/neglected/toxic i feel. seriously. this can go away at anytime. i'm so ready to be a rational amount of the things above, and not all of them at once, all the time.
p.s. 6 more days until the big L reveal. hopefully. or i'm going to throw a fit.
WOW is it weird to watch your stomach grow beyond your control. this was taken today, 2/21/11. L is obviously growing. & one week from today HOPEFULLY i can call L by his/her full name (post dr. visit), although, L very well may stick for life at this point. (creature of habit)
it's a BIB deal. alright L, today i focussed a bit on keeping your rockin' style clean (please don't ruin the little 3D bunnies!) and your toesies cozy. thank you, kushies your stuff is super cute! oh & thank you zulily, for being the middle man to such fab baby gear.
NURSERY = GALLERY. desperately seeking 4"x4" frames. cute ones. HELP. i've enlisted a slew of my fave creative friends to create spacey moon & star artwork for liam's room. my own contributions are in watercolor. and they need homes. 4"x4" ones. that are cute & cool.
and if you personally would like to create something for liam's room, i'd love to hear from you.
i think being surrounded by original art lovingly made by people liam will always know just makes sense.
Definitely Maybe I just found myself getting flustered & even angered when I learned of another newly born baby being named MY boy L name. Look world, I've had this name on hold since I lived in London in '95 & fell ridiculously in lust with a certain Gallagher brother. I'm on the verge of a bloody fit. My level of grrr-ness makes me wonder if baby L -IS- a♂. 12 MORE DAYS.
Going to TRY to stop fretting over my current and constant reality: endless weight gain. It freaks a girl out to watch a scale climb predominantly beyond her control. And rage at me all you want but I've NEVER found baby bumps cute. Am positively not adoring the slow signs of my own. I know I know I know its all for L. And about keeping L nourished, thriving & healthy. And trust, I put L first in all of this for sure, I wanted & love L. But good Lord, I feel gross. Going to go against the grain again by saying I never did desire an abundant bra cup. Honestly, in most every aspect of life, my cup runneth half empty and am OK with that (expect the worst, hope for the best is my motto). So, this too is a burden both literally and figuratively. I feel like a Monroe-era wanna-be. And I know I need to work through this. Voluptuousness
a bad thing. Voluptuousness isn't a bad thing. Voluptuousness isn't a bad thing... riiiiiiight. & oh, OK yeah, i have had a few more indulgences here & there that i wouldn't have ordinarily partaken of pre-L. L wants it! ;-)
The Heavens Smile Softly & Hear Every Wish L's room is going to be moon & star themed whether L's a boy or a girl. So freaking delighted I just stumbled on this distressed wood print. YAY! the german's going to have my head for all these bebe acquisitions but what did he really expect? ;-) Sweet Dreams & Moonbeams loveliness is from: Arte House.
crap realization. so people went on and on and on about how very tired i'd be in the 1st trimester. these people obviously weren't insomniacs. i'm always tired. thus, the 1st trimester was a killer blessing, in that i passed out for the night quite early and slept deep until the alarm sounded. was the coolest thing. now that i'm into the 2nd trimester i'm back to my fabulous night owl, light sleeper self. couple that with that wonderful urge to get up & hit the loo once or twice a night and NOW we're talking tired. it gets worse!, all of this just got compounded by the fact that as a natural born stomach sleeper, that is no longer a viable option. sleeping on my stomach as of last night, feels like sh!t. i'd read that it won't HURT the little monster if you find yourself waking up on your stomach. but mid night, last night (not to be confused with midnight, i was still wide awake at midnight) i did the usual flip from side to stomach & woke up immediately thinking "this doesn't feel awesome at all" sadness. i spent the rest of the super early morning hours wondering how i'll train myself to sleep on my side full time. grrr.
THE WU XING RABBIT i recently learned that tiny beings born between February 3rd, 2011 and January 22nd, 2012 are Wu Xing Rabbits, according to the Chinese zodiac.
this struck me.
i'm likely having a little leo. that is, well, also a rabbit. and that, i thought to myself, describes me. have, in recent years decided i'm equal parts tough and fragile. very much like the lion and the rabbit. but i most definitely digress.
back to my little future Wu Xing Rabbit... Wu Xing translates to "metal" and those born under this sign will have greater intensity, strength and resilience than other rabbits.
and yet, they'll also be sensitive, creative and compassionate.
i fell in love with this detail, Wu Xing Rabbits are expected to be detail oriented and to hone in on visual cues, specifically color. (is THIS why -I- feel like color is so much more intense right now? is that possible?) Am told to decorate the baby's room in shades of aqua, white & green—which are the sign's colors. ironically, that was already the plan.
further, i am to be prepared for a talker, because rabbits are intelligent with a knack for verbal expression. I also shouldn't be surprised when this child considers the pros and cons of almost every decision he/she has to make.
anyone else out there with a Wu Xing Rabbit on the way? you're advised to keep a journal whilst growing said rabbit, because of the sentimental nature of this sign.
february 28th. you are teasing me. you are taking a bloody eternity to get here. everyone and their mother is weighing in with adamant "it's definitely a girl" "i KNOW it's a boy" predictions. And while I haven't a clue, I had NO CHOICE but to jump on a recent sale that occurred on hautelook.com the other day. i fell head over heels in a matter of seconds for Kids Ink. and without a second thought i plopped the above sequin david bowie baby dress and crazy monster PJs into my cart & hit purchase. david bowie did cross dress for a bit there didn't he? so it wouldn't be too far a reach....JOKING. will return or frame or try to stuff self in dress if L's a boy. but man oh man these next 19 days are going to be the death of me.
am i a teddy bear? this was the very 1st thing i purchased for L. it's navy blue and so so cozy. i wish it were my size. am a total sucker for all baby attire with teddy bear ears. my kid's going to think they ARE a teddy bear they're going to wear so many bear-ear hats and hoodies.
L's gonna rock. so L had better reveal his or herself very soon or ALL of L's attire will be totally edgy rocker. because i tell myself boy or girl, this stuff will work. will just toss on a tutu and some tights, a velcro bow in L's baby hair if L's a girl. otherwise, L's just going to be a damn cool baby boy. day of the dead tee & onesie by http://babycreationz.com/
so this is L's 3rd ultrasound. very 1st thing i nearly screamed when the ultrasound tech tuned into L that day. "IT HAS LEGS!!!" got a strange look, but was so happy to see long, skinny legs. one straight, one bent.
then, i freaked out as i stared at L's profile. check it. that doesn't look like a baby! it looks like a 20 year old.
big tummy still there. arms and legs flailing. in fact, at one point L was doing the "walk like an egyptian" dance.