the conversation below, occurring on facebook is so fundamental to being a parent of a baby. and especially, a 1st time parent. a naive newbie.
i am on the verge of a breakdown at least once a week. i wonder if the cry it out, schedule your baby parents are too? i can't be a cry it out schedule your baby parent, at least not yet, because -I MYSELF- can't adhere to a strict schedule and i would never let ANYONE cry it out. i don't judge those of you that do this, i just can't.
if a friend or family member or even a stranger was bawling their eyes out hard, on end, right in front of me, i would not COULD NOT just let it happen. instinctually i would have to hug and comfort them. now... how the HECK could i not do the same for the child i carried for 41 weeks, painfully gave birth to, and fell hardcore in love with the day we "met"?
whether it's good for the baby in the long run or not, i can't do it.
right now, L is asleep in his swing, he has been for like an hour. this is not a constant thing i can count on. it happens probably three times a week out of all seven days.
when it does happen i have no bloody idea how long said nap will last so i run around like a crazy person tackling this and that.
i'm thinking "what should i try to tackle 1st?" as previously blogged, i realize this is drink, eat, pee. ;-) but after that? i'm thinking "nothing too loud". i'm thinking what can be left to fall apart longer? i'm thinking man, oh man i just want to write/type with two hands right now!!!!! which is exactly what i'm doing. i'm 100% right brained, that's the creative side right? and with that fact comes very little practicality.
i am also doing alllllllllllllll of this on my own from day one, no mom to advise or provide hands on help. i have received a plethora of advice, from veteran friends, books, magazine articles. i have even had dear dear friends stop by or stay over when the german was out of town for weeks at a time. but guess what? -and NO OFFENSE- ALL of you conflict. some of you advise with your heart while others advise with your head.
i hear both of you, and i try to take something from both of you. but in the end, that creates one big CLUSTER EFF in my already whirling exausted right-brained mind. i do just have to wonder, if mommies & daddies that condition their young babies lose their mind on a regular basis too?
i am so blessed to have a beautiful, healthy mostly good baby boy. i am beyond lucky to be a SAHM (stay at home mom). i look into L's amazing eyes daily and feel my heart smile so big, get so warm, throb with love. do NOT get me wrong, i would never ever trade this experience, but holy HELL is it hard to navigate. dear confused & naive newbies to come, i will be here for you to vent to when you find yourself in my very shoes. below a "conversation" on facebook that exhibits this conflicted state i find myself in. name has been changed to protect the innocent. ;-)
(p.s. if i do resort to cry it out one day, address me about that if you so wish. i am perfectly capable of flipflopping some day. who the heck knows?)
- ENVISION A PHOTO OF VERY YOUNG BABY CRYING HARD -