we created a monster

YOU MEAN I'M NOT GOING TO BE PREGNANT FOREVER?
In light of the fact that the German and I are both green as green can be in the baby department, we signed up for some classes. And, the night of our 1st one was finally upon us.
We anxiously awaited class beginning, Infant Care class, to be specific. Sitting amongst nine other 1st time parents, all seeming equally clueless as to what to expect class wise and well, life wise, in just a few short weeks. The teacher arrived with a "bag full of babies" wanting us each to have one of our own to "practice" with. Plus a cr@p load of papers and brochures and guides. A video about infant massage was playing on the screen before us. I couldn't help but look around and scrutinize the bumps of others. Or the facial expressions and body language of all the future dads in the room. Was just dying to know if they got dragged there or were so freaked by the pending child they'd soon have that they felt desperate to attend. The teacher went around the room asking each of us "Due date? Boy or girl?" The room was equally split. Five boys, five girls. And we all had June/July due dates. She half joked that we might be seeing each other again come D-day. This thought kind of (read: totally) wigged me out, reiterated how real and imminent this all is.
So, we watched a movie and periodically the nurse/teacher would stop the movie and discuss it, then have us play with our dolls for a bit.
We practiced soothing our dolls.
On the video they talked about how babies will cry and cry and the different ways we as parents can attempt to soothe them. One way NOT to do such was by shaking the baby. I got caught jokingly shaking my doll by the teacher. Some things never change. Instead, we're supposed to feed them, change them, rock them, walk them, shhhh them(shhhhing them is essentially filling the airwaves with white noise, it should begin loud, then lessen in volume until the baby is quite and soothed). got it. oh, but none of this may work. so, in that case, if we feel ourselves on the verge of shaking the baby, we should put them in their crib, shut the door and walk away for a few minutes. The teacher then had us practice rocking and gently bouncing our dolls, wow did we look like a bunch of weirdos.
We practiced swaddling our dolls.
While there is new research out on swaddling and how it can hinder a baby's development (particularly when their arms are tucked in, straight jacket style), we still learned to do this, as people have swaddled their babies for thousands of years and it has proven to make a baby feel safe and secure. The German swaddled his baby with arms out. I practiced both ways. The German's swaddling techniques were tighter and more precise than my own. No big surprise here.
We practiced changing our doll's diaper.
OH HOW FUN. Damn, I would change 8 million doll diapers if that meant I didn't have to change a real one. Particularly a newborn real one, as their stool goes through all these gag-inducing changes in the 1st several days and weeks. This is going to SUCK. Judge away, I hate it. I don't know anyone who particularly loves changing a poopy diaper, but some of us gag less and feel faint less than others. I being of the latter group. The german, lucky duck, being of the former. I learned to make sure that L's "pee pee" is facing south for certain, when closing up his fresh new diaper. Otherwise, when he next pees, it will be upward and out, onto his shirt or onesie. Awesome. I also learned to try and wipe away as much of the mustardy green gunk present in a poopy diaper away with the used diaper at hand 1st, then use wipes. As this is conservative where waste is concerned.
We practiced taking our doll's temperature AND sucking spit up and snot out of it's nose with one of those turkey baster type things.
We were told we should check the baby's temperature orally or beneath their armpit if orally isn't working, as rectally is dangerous and has been known to hurt the baby if the parent goes in too far. Good Lord. As for the "turkey baster"... When a baby is spitting up, these are to be used to help them get it all out. And best used by inserting to the side of the baby's mouth with the goal of not startling the baby. Should you startle the baby, the baby can suck back his/her spit up and choke (the horror, for real). These turkey basters are also good for sucking spit up or snot from the baby's nose.
To be continued...maybe.